So, in your last days of a Bornean jungle cruise, the local mosquitos decided to give you a parting gift. Maybe a viral infection that comes with a high fever, pain, and crazy fits of coughing that feel like they will never end? Yeah me too. Are you wandering the steamy streets of this beautiful island not sure of what’s a hallucination and what is just everyday life in this magical place? Been there.
This was reality for my friends and I as we arrived in Ubud last year. Struck with one of those weird sicknesses only the jungle can provide, the easy, touristy Bali leg of our trip, became one of doctors and figuring out which attractions we could still attempt to crawl to. After a few more chest X-Rays than I normally like to get while on vacation, I’ve made my ultimate list of things to do in Bali…..while sick with a mosquito borne illness.
Oh. So, you’re in Bali, healthy, and enjoying yourself? Weird but ok. I guess you could still do most of these things too.
1. Mask Pics
Your loud, obnoxious coughing fit will inevitably be met by friendly Balinese people gently offering you medical masks as a subtle hint to please not spread your gross plague all over their beautiful island. Attempt to Google translate how to say “I got this from a mosquito” in Balinese. Give up on that. Smile and say thank you. Put on the mask. Learn to use it properly. Take lots of selfies. Smize. Surely, we won’t be wearing these for long….right?
2. Use the Hotel Shuttle as Your Personal Ambulance
We stayed at the Sapodilla Ubud, which offers an awesome free shuttle service to all of the city’s main attractions and restaurants. Direct from the lobby, a friendly driver will take you wherever you want to go. They’ll even give you a little cell phone you can use to call him to come back and pick you up.
Wonder if the BIMC Balinese clinic counts as an attraction. It does? Great. The shuttle is now your personal ambulance. Enjoy the top notch medical care from the staff at the clinic. Dial the cell phone to get picked up by the driver. Start another coughing fit before you can start talking. He knows who it is. He’s on his way.
3 . Go to the Pool!
You know how some people try to break a fever in a bath? This is Bali! Use the pool! Thankfully, the Sapodilla has a beautiful pool in a serene garden that’s in crawling distance from your room. Relax in the pool until your fever hallucinations stop. Attempt to swim a lap. Prop yourself up in a poolside chaise lounge. Put on sunglasses and have someone snap a pic. Are you chilling or a going back into a virus induced hibernation? Your Instagram followers will never know the difference.
4. Experience (or be Traumatized in) Ubud’s Monkey Forest
Imagine a wildlife park mixed with a den of thieves and you’ll have an idea of what you’re in for. The Monkey Forest is a peaceful jungle oasis right in the middle of bustling Ubud…an oasis filled with screaming monkeys. The temples are beautiful. The birds are singing. The monkeys are ready to attack you at any moment. The stars of the show here are hundreds of adorable Balinese Long Tailed Monkeys who make their living off of the unprepared tourists that visit every day.
Think that snack you brought in is for you? Not for long. You’d prefer to keep those shiny sunglasses? Too bad.
Obey the warning signs scattered around the park: No sudden movements, no eye contact with monkeys, no loud noises. Wonder to yourself: does a cough count as a loud noise? Realize it probably does. Feel a coughing attack coming on. Oh god. Don’t cough. Don’t cough. Get close to a monkey to take a picture. Cough. Run away as the monkey comes screaming out you with its fangs out.
5. Eat Bali’s Famous Roast Pig
Ibu Oka is a Babi Guling, or Balinese roast pork, restaurant that has become a foodie pilgrimage site. Every day whole pigs are stuffed with spices, basted with coconut milk, and roasted over an open flame for hours. The result is delicious, juicy pork with crispy skin. Even Anthony Bourdain said it was some of the best pork he’d ever had. It has become a little touristy since then, but it’s still worth a visit.
Would Anthony Bourdain let a mystery virus stop him? No. In your never-ending quest to quest to be more like him, order a full plate. Is that enough? Order extra skin just in case. Take your mask off and eat all of it. Realize this is probably better medicine than whatever the doctor gave you.
6. Attempt to Heal Yourself with Bali’s Yoga Scene
The Yoga Barn is Ubud’s biggest and most famous yoga center. A small staircase opens up into an Zen oasis of all things yoga. There are thatch roofed shalas teaching 20+ classes per day, a vegan café, and a shop all the hippy gear you could ever want. It’s more like its own village than just a yoga school.
Before getting sick, make a goal to take one class a day while in Bali. Get sick. Discover you can’t climb stairs without coughing let alone do a one hour yoga class. Change that goal to visit even one time. Limp down the stairs to the courtyard and realize you’re in the thunderdome of yoga. Start another loud coughing fit as a white girl with dreadlocks begins playing the didgeridoo, drowning out the sound. Namaste, etc.
7. Become Friends with the Neighbors
Spend all day in your beautiful room at the Sapodilla Ubud where at least you’re bedridden with a view. There’s nothing like sweating out a fever in a resort bed. Notice a small house gecko crawling across the ceiling. This is the most exciting thing to happen in hours. Watch as he stops directly above you and stares back at you. Is he making eye contact? Decide you’ll win this staring contest. Think you can maybe hear him whispering now. Is he really there at all? Take another pill for your fever.
8. Drink Like the Locals
Jamu, or traditional Balinese herbal elixirs, are widely popular and available across the island. Most are made with fresh ginger, turmeric, and honey. Jamu was a superfood long before that was even a thing. They’re also naturally good for your immune system and a sore throat.
Order one at every meal. Order more. Pour it in a glass. It looks like a cocktail. Room service delivers them? You will survive.
9. Enjoy a Hipster Brunch: Bali Style
Bali’s influx of tourism, especially of the health and wellness variety, means that restaurants and cafes are everywhere serving something to cure whatever ails you. Milk and Madu is a restaurant that feels just enough like home to comfort you when you’re sick, but still has a local side to experience new flavors.
The fever broke last night. You are 100% sure that all of the geckos you saw in your room are real. Things are looking up. Celebrate with breakfast. Check out Milk and Madu. Stay healthy and eat a smoothie bowl or celebrate that you’re still alive with pancakes. Try not to cough on all of the wannabe influencers in there with you (or do).
10. Take One Final Sick Pic
Your full circle moment. Your one friend who never caught the plague (Damn you, Stuart) spots a quarantine sign and makes you take a picture. Groan but do it anyway. Secretly treasure this pic as part of one of your more memorable trips. Realize despite all of this, Bali still managed to make you fall in love with it. Plan a second (and hopefully healthier) trip back.
No Comments